Feelings
Feelings are important and shouldn’t be ignored. Over time, if not addressed, they can take over and blur reality… especially if the reality is perceived as negative.
It’s a mistake to base reality on your feelings and call it “your truth.” You can’t own the truth or shape it. It doesn’t need your input to exist. It’s emotionally immature to think otherwise.
If a person positions their feelings as the anchor of truth it is near impossible to have a civil debate about anything meaningful. If it doesn't align with their feelings they don’t want to hear it. They will shut you down and resort to name calling. Mainly because their identity is threatened.
Objectivity has left the chat.
We live in a free country that allows people to bend reality and call it truth. Getting confused about what is true? Pick up your Bible.
Happy 4th! 🇺🇸
Reflection =
As we navigate our lives we run into all sorts of blockades, sinkholes, friction, and gut punches. Some things are self-inflicted and others are out of our control. People live through all sorts of pain from things out of their control and then perpetuate it through rumination.
Pain + Rumination = More Pain
Rumination is a waste of mental and spiritual energy. Reflection, on the other hand, is useful.
The experience doesn’t really teach us anything until we reflect.
Pain + Reflection = Progress
The Gap
There is a gap or container between what you can do and what you choose to do. Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.
Take wealth as an example. Wealthy people can do all sorts of things. They have options. It’s obvious they are truly wealthy because more money wouldn’t change what they chose to do. They know the secret power of the gap.
It’s worth noting that self-discipline in the gap accrues over time.
Execute the Plan
Getting overly attached to the plan is the worst enemy of the plan itself.
Rapid execution of a plan that fails is helpful because you can adjust your next move, improvise, and learn from your mistakes. The worst thing you can do is try to perfect the plan. The better strategy is to execute and adjust in lieu of playing the guessing game for weeks on end. Put it out there and see what happens, then make adjustments.
Speed is a teacher, but you have to be okay with failure or what people might think. Avoiding egg on your face is chickenshit. Quickly find all the things that won’t work instead of overthinking it. Evaluate the irreversible consequences and make a move.
Pro Tip: Things that have never happened before happen all the time.
“Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth.” - M. Tyson
Comments
Commentators are everywhere. When should you listen and when should you ignore? Obviously some comments matter.
Commentators fall into two categories:
Consumers and Producers
It’s pretty simple: listen to the ones who take meaningful action, build things, and create… the producers.
Ignore the consumer comments who are often just complainers.
Never listen to those who have never been where you’re headed.
That’s Unfortunate
If you took all the knowledge in the world, what percent do you think you have? How much do you really know?
We seem to be blinded by our own knowledge and often overestimate its scope. In our bubble, it seems to be substantial, at least compared to the village idiot.
The beautiful thing about knowledge is that there are reminders all around us. Reminders that we don’t know much about anything. Just because the bird nerd knows what kind of bird it is doesn’t mean he actually “knows” anything about it. The curiosity seems to be usurped by the label.
The label is comforting and builds pride… and you know where pride leads.
So the next time you see something and say:
“Aw, that’s unfortunate.” Remember, you don’t have the power to judge something as “unfortunate.” You only “know” part of the story.
Easy Button
Doing the hard thing right now ain’t easy.
Hitting the easy button is easy but it makes it much harder later.
Tomorrow you pay for the easy button you pressed yesterday.
But if you do the hard thing now the easy comes later and typically lasts.
You’ll never regret doing the hard thing first.
Pro Tip: Quiet your mind because it defaults to the “mañana” mentality. You are human and your nature loves the path of least resistance.
Our 30th
Jenn and I have been married for 30 years today. I’ve learned a few things along the way.
There are two words that matter more than any of them - Thank You
Assuming malice will make your life miserable
She respects me and it’s like oxygen
She believes in me and it’s like rocket fuel
Just because you validate her doesn’t mean you agree
Keep short accounts. If something ain’t right say something
Pray together
Ask for what you need (longings are not needs)
You want the same outcome in 99% of your arguments
Listen to her feelings. Logic is for another time.
It’s a full time job being married to me. Love you babe!
New Adventure
Fitness gives you access. Fitness matters.
I was talking to a friend who had lost a significant amount of weight. He described being trapped in a sedentary prison full of aches, pains, and malaise.
He was robbed of much more than he thought. It wasn’t just angry knees and shortness of breath. It wasn’t just low energy and a sluggish metabolism.
He discovered he was missing out.
“I’m seeing things a fat guy would never see!” as he described a recent hike. “I’m able to get on the floor and engage with my grandkids.”
Fitness gives you options, fitness keeps you ready, fitness is a must.
Grinning ear to ear, he said…. “It’s a whole new adventure!"
Peace
Everyone likes personal peace. The most peaceless people are those who try to defend it. They put forth tremendous effort micro-managing their environment and circumstances.
This controlling approach will likely make you angry. Ultimately, you are in charge of the feeling of peacefulness.
Why not exude peace instead of trying to force it? It comes from within, it comes from your maker.
Sunday Blues
If a wave of dread comes over you on Sunday afternoons maybe it’s time… time to do something else. The situation you find yourself in is largely your fault. There have been many forks in the road, things you’ve tolerated, and difficult conversations you have not had.
The perceived pain of change slightly outweighs the pain of staying put.
Another day, another week, another year.
Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is the root of your dread.
Keep living for the weekends or start living.
You decide.
Contributing Factors
The best way to collapse all hope for happiness is to confuse contributing and determining factors. If you make contributing factors your determining factors you lose the ability to be content.
Let’s suppose a bird shits on your head this morning. [Contributing Factor]
As a result, you believe your day is ruined. [Determining Factor]
The contributing factor is the objective event of a bird defecating and gravity doing its job. The subjective interpretation of the contributing factor determines how it affects you.
Please remember, the external occurrence only has the power you give it.
Hat Tip to Myron Golden
Mental Health
Avoiding difficult situations, tough conversations, and defending your comfort in the name of mental health will make you weak. Someone who is mentally healthy has solid boundaries, a firmly planted identity and actively exercises the emotional muscles needed in life.
Taking a “Mental Health” day is fine as long as you aren’t avoiding something hard.
Leveraging the excuse of “Mental Health” to avoid discomfort is cowardly at best. A mentally healthy person doesn’t perpetuate fragility.
Next time the hill gets steep and slippery, don’t misunderstand it for a threat to your mental health. It’s an opportunity to put your grippy boots on, grab your walking stick and climb the damn hill.
Defensiveness
Allow your snap defensiveness to be a clue. A clue that your identity is misplaced.
“If I do good, then I am good.”
“If they like me, then I’m likeable.”
“If I have it, then I’m valuable.”
“If I control it, then I’m safe.”
“Because that awful thing happened to me, I am the victim from now on.”
The source of most defensiveness is misplaced identity. We all have limiting beliefs, but they don’t have to hold us back. The quick path to a new frame is to find a firm, stable identity. You must acknowledge the core sense of who you are and what you are worth can only come from a soul connected to the creator.
The black hole in your chest will yearn but never be satisfied until you do.
I checked.
Mad?
When someone is mad and seems to stay that way, it’s probably serving them in some way.
“What are you mad at?”
It’s easy to get an answer, and it’s rarely the real answer. It’s not because they are lying to you… it’s because they’ve decided. Decided on a villain. The villain is just a receptacle for misplaced anger. The villain justifies and validates their anger and gives them permission to fume.
Don’t forget, putting a villain in the crosshairs is much easier than peeling back the layers.
Peas in a Pod
It’s nice to have close relationships. You are on the same wavelength.
“We are like two peas in a pod… always on the same page.”
“They just get me.”
So why do we get into all these arguments? Most of the time you want the exact same thing so why all the trouble?
Most disagreements are a symptom of laziness. Laziness in the communication realm.
“They should know what I’m thinking…”
You likely take your time articulating your thoughts, plans, and ideas to acquaintances and almost never have misunderstandings.
Take a deep breath and stop short-cutting your communications. Be clear and set the assumptions aside and watch your arguments melt away.
State the Obvious
If you want to be annoying or unhelpful, state the obvious. When someone is in the arena doing something difficult stating the obvious from the stands seems like the helpful thing to do.
“You need to hit the ball on the green, if you keep slicing it you’ll never make par, you need to learn to have more control.”
The golfer’s number one goal is to get the ball in the hole. He is doing everything he can to hit the ball where he is aiming. Highlighting the undesired outcome makes you look like a fool… unless you are playing for money.
That Friend
To make it simple, if someone says one of these things, they are likely not your friend.
“You never call.”
“Hope you aren’t working too hard and missing out on what really matters.”
“Oh now you’re too busy for us little people?”
“Gosh, you’ve really filled out since I saw you last.”
“Wow, you got lucky huh?"
“I almost didn’t recognize you.”
“You can afford that? Must be nice…”
“You used to be more fun.”
Deep inside you know who your real friends are. They are the ones who are healthy enough to celebrate your successes and comfort you in loss. They are the ones without expectations. They are the ones who have their own life to live alongside yours. They are the ones you don’t talk to for a season but can pick up right where you left off.
You only need a few.
Stick with them and you’ll end up on higher ground.
Not My Monkey
Everyone has a backpack to carry and the only time you should offer support is when their backpack is way too heavy. Stepping in to take their normal backpack as an act of “love” is damaging. “But they need my steadying hand!” While they walk a little lighter and a little freer, none the wiser to his own unused strength. This becomes a fine arrangement at first glance but a trap for both.
The problem with such a habit is that before long, neither of you knows how to stand upright on your own two feet. You are confused by where your backbone ends and his begins. You are smashed by weight that isn’t yours and the other guy’s muscles are atrophied.
There is a pretty big difference between being helpful and making it about you. Do you ever grab someone’s problem and make it your own? Isn’t that being empathetic? Isn’t that the loving thing to do?
Nope.
Trying hard to control the outcomes for someone else is classic codependency, first cousin to selfishness, and is double-dipped in resentment.
Not my monkey, not my circus…
Stray Cat
Generosity over time is typically forgotten. When someone is perpetually open-handed the benefactor will likely stop noticing. It's human nature, not malice.
At first, they thank you… then they expect you… then they resent you for not giving more. When the well dries up, don't be surprised if you get a tantrum. Over time they have convinced themselves that it is rain from the sky, not sweat from the brow.
What starts as generosity often ends as obligation in the eyes of the receiver.
Your teenager slams their bedroom door and you calmly remove said door:
"Dad… why did you take my door?!?!"
"Whose door?"
It's worth noticing the generosity all around you and calling it out.
If you feed a stray cat every day and decide to stop, it won't mourn the loss of your kindheartedness it will hiss at the injustice of missing a meal.
We do it to God daily… unlike the depraved man, I'm glad He never runs out of patience.