Stray Cat
Generosity over time is typically forgotten. When someone is perpetually open-handed the benefactor will likely stop noticing. It's human nature, not malice.
At first, they thank you… then they expect you… then they resent you for not giving more. When the well dries up, don't be surprised if you get a tantrum. Over time they have convinced themselves that it is rain from the sky, not sweat from the brow.
What starts as generosity often ends as obligation in the eyes of the receiver.
Your teenager slams their bedroom door and you calmly remove said door:
"Dad… why did you take my door?!?!"
"Whose door?"
It's worth noticing the generosity all around you and calling it out.
If you feed a stray cat every day and decide to stop, it won't mourn the loss of your kindheartedness it will hiss at the injustice of missing a meal.
We do it to God daily… unlike the depraved man, I'm glad He never runs out of patience.
It’s Complicated
What is the psychological reason for complicating things that should be simple?
It’s usually rooted in perfectionism. If a perfectionist has a choice to make, the fear of making a mistake leads to a firehose of complexity. It should only take three steps so let's add some extra steps to anesthetize the unpredictability. Sophistication creates an illusion of control.
“You have no idea how long I’ve been working on this.”
Sometimes it leads to the “best” solution, but at what expense? A solution that is good would have taken 10% of the time and kept the project moving forward.
Make sure you have some haphazard people in the room or you’ll likely be optimizing things that shouldn’t exist.
Thermostat
Removing yourself from certain situations is a healthy move. The tone is not your vibe so you move on. You walked in the room and you felt the negativity in your bones, like a dark cloud or a spirit of weight. Sometimes you can just hightail it out of there… but what if you can’t?
There is magic in setting the tone.
Imagine standing in line at the DMV. It’s a long line and everyone wants it to be over, including the staff. At that moment you are at a crossroads.
Do I remain a thermometer or do I become the thermostat?
A thermometer would say. This sucks and I just want to get out of here. “Why is the government so inefficient?"
A thermostat would engage the person in line. “Man this reminds me of taking my drivers test when I was 16. I barely passed. Where did you take your driver’s test? How did you do? What kind of car was it?”
A thermostat isn’t measuring the vibe but attempts to direct it. Thermometers want to be led, so lead them.
Manhole
Painful emotions are hard to deal with. Especially when they are keeping you from growth. Most keep them under the manhole cover and play like there is nothing below. It’s easy to do because the cover weighs 200lb and it’s a busy street.
Why bother?
Keeping the deeper issues at bay is only natural. Why bring it back up? I have things to do. I don’t need to revisit it. It’s in the past and I’m moving forward.
But are you really moving forward? What lurks below can be a force multiplier in a seemingly positive way. But eventually it will stop you in your tracks.
It’s only a matter of time.
It’s better to be brave and slide the manhole cover and make friends with the painful parts. Too heavy? Hire a pro to help.
Staying stuck is fearfully choosing the pain you do know over the pain you don’t.
Karen
“Karen” videos crack me up. They lose their mind, slide deep into their lizard brain and are in scorched earth mode. What got them there is never available unless you want to spend half a day reaching out to said Karen. So you accept the thin depiction and laugh at the spectacle.
It’s hilarious because we often feel the same way. Karen likely has been keeping things at bay. She’s been tolerant for a very long time. She’s been “patient” as the frustrations accrue.
A better approach is keeping short accounts with these frustrations. Stuffing them delays the inevitable. Stuff them long enough and you lose your shit. Patience is a virtue but a well placed boundary combined with gentle confrontation will keep you integrated.
Being endlessly tolerant will increase your chances of going viral.
Elephant
Facts have a nagging way of chasing us around. When you are in denial about something the truth follows you around like a stray dog. The denial causes you to ignore the discomfort of the truth and entrench us in our skewed convictions. If we abandon our misplaced convictions it can feel even worse. So we deny and protect.
When you invest a lot of energy into an idea, it makes it very difficult to see the big picture. If it’s a long standing, head in the sand situation, the denial has many layers of juicy rationalizations. If you say things to yourself enough times it feels like the truth. The stray dog remains but he’s not as close.
Denial is a trap so watch out for your convictions. Just because you feel a certain way doesn’t mean they can protect you from the facts.
Life’s too short to sweep the elephant under the rug.
Amigo
Ego is the primary bane of relationships. Putting yourself above others will lead to isolation and victimhood. At first glance, putting others before yourself is the answer.
But is it?
No one respects a doormat, much less befriends them. If everyone put everyone else first, it would be a race to the bottom because of the irreversible evil in the world. (John Lennon imagines otherwise) Let’s assume a bad guy breaks into your house and wants to have his way with your wife. Are you going to put him first?
Putting yourself first is less than fulfilling (I’ve checked). The key is to love others AS yourself and allow your maker to guide you.
Less ego, more amigo.
Eliminate
Resolutions and goals are typically top of mind this time of year. Sometimes it can feel a little like you're giving yourself one more thing to worry about. One more thing to add to the pile of things you “ought” to be doing.
Getting clarity can be difficult in the whirlwind of life so why not eliminate?
Think about how good it feels when you perfectly organized your office or that junk drawer at the house. Physical clutter ushers in mental clutter.
This year, in addition to goals, consider adding a list of things to eliminate. It could be commitments you should’ve said no to or shoring up compromised boundaries. It could be fried foods, TikTok or garage beers.
Musk says, “If you’re not adding things back in at least 10% of the time, clearly you aren’t deleting enough.”
Annoyed
Being annoyed comes easier for some than others. There are a million annoying things all around us.
Slow drivers
Food Smacking
Dog Barking
Siri
Slow Internet
Auto-correct Fails
Mouth Breathing
Long Lines
Loud Talking/Cackling
I’m sure you have your own list. The truth is, things that annoy you are actually your fault.
The stoics solve it best:
It isn’t the thing itself that annoys you… It’s your opinion of the thing. Chill out.
Winning
The price of winning is high. The problem with winning is that it takes a variety of effort. Some people “have it” and some people don’t. What do they have exactly? Natural talent… luck maybe?
It can be disheartening watching those around you seemingly win with ease. Sometimes you aren’t seeing all the hard work they did and sometimes they did zero work and end up looking like a shiny penny.
Most of the problem is our short sided comparison. Your thin definition of winning is not the whole picture.
It’s worth remembering you are running your own race. A race designed to make you a better person with just the right amount of suffering and breakthroughs.
So take heart, stop comparing, work your butt off, and mind your own bobber.
Hard on the Herd
The common denominator of the herd mentality is aligned emotion. You hear of something you love or hate and it evokes emotion then you jump on the bandwagon complete with the herd handbook of emotion based claims. If you disagree or challenge the herd you will be an instant outcast.
We are all part of herds but its worth your time to critically think about why. Most herds don’t emerge from reason. There are no herds, for instance, that use the scientific method to establish their group. Herds are rarely up for a good rational debate because their ideas are brittle... They seem to be mentally infected with a pathogen that keeps them from the pursuit of truth (hat tip Gaad Saad’s Parasitic Mind). They usually resort to name calling when their argument falls short.
Parting thought: You know you’re closer to the truth when the herd starts attacking comedians. The funny thing about any joke is the TRUE part and that can be hard on the herd.
Free Will
It’s a complicated notion. We have autonomy to set goals (or not), make plans (or not), work hard (or not), and be kind (or not). We have a choice.
But… if God is in control, what’s the point? If he already knows what the outcome is, why does it matter what we choose to do? Is that really free will?
For some reason, as a self reliant, bootstrap culture we set up a binary framework. Either we have free will or God is in control of the outcome.
It’s hard to fathom. Major atrocities, deep suffering, and evil acts are all a part of God’s plan? Really? As humans we want control and we want things to make sense. We claim to have a clear picture of what justice is and it’s violated constantly. Why would God do this?
What if free will and God’s sovereignty co-exist? We choose our plans yet God is in control of the steps.
Is it possible that all of our choices matter but don’t determine the future? Yes.
Hat Tip to T. Keller
No Foolin’
Happy Thanksgiving!
May God bless your time with family and friends. I pray that you have meaningful conversations and heartfelt connections with the ones you love most.
Pro Tip: Be kind and avoid politics. (Unless you have 100% consensus then it can be fun for a bit) No gloating allowed because you aren’t a jerk.
"A stone is heavy, and sand is weighty, but a fool's provocation is heavier than both." Prov 27:3
No foolin’…
Internal Chit-Chat
We all have all kinds of narratives running through our heads. Some of us would go straight to jail if it was broadcasted on a jumbo-tron :) The things that swim around between our ears have a bigger impact than you might think.
It can tell you you’re not doing it right.
It can tell you you’re not gonna make it.
It can tell you she doesn’t love you anymore.
It can tell you you’ll be broke in six months.
It can tell you you’re too fat or not strong enough.
It can tell you you’re falling short on your goals.
It can TELL you a bunch of things that aren’t helpful. You can’t necessarily stop your internal chit-chat but you can override it.
How?
Talk to yourself… don’t listen to yourself.
Over Study?
Sometimes there is too much study and not enough action. Jumping to action too soon will bite you. The question is, how big is the bite?
If the bite is non fatal it might be a better play. A better play because it provides feedback that ‘study’ will not give you. Over focusing on not getting bit will keep you stuck. There is nothing wrong with hedging but standing still can make it worse because you don’t know what you don’t know.
If you spend too much time studying what might be rustling in the bush behind you...you’ll likely get eaten.
Internal “Yes Man”
Bias can bite. It is especially ferocious when making decisions. If you are a leader with grey hair it can be extra problematic because you’ve likely burned some pet hueretics into your hard drive.
Your internal bias can thwart your ability to ask the right questions. The wrong ones will mislead you and put you on a less optimal path.
The facts can be hidden by your own bias. Your personal perspective can make you way too certain and cause you to miss alternative solutions.
Avoid acquiessing to your internal “yes man”.
The label on the box is hard to read from the inside.
You Happy?
It seems universally true that we all seek to be happy. The pain comes when we try to make it stay.
Happiness comes and goes…grip it too tight and it slips away.
Deep down inside we know the door will close but we try to make it last forever.
Happiness is elusive by divine design. It gives us little snapshots into Heaven. The door cracks…we see it, we feel it, and we never want it to end.
The better play is to increase the surface area for happiness to land, enjoy it, then allow it to take off again. Things will go haywire if you interfere.
There is nothing wrong with chasing happiness just as long as you know it will never satisfy. That’s reserved for eternity with your maker.
Free Speech
Saying whatever you want to say has consequences. The source and nature of the consequences matter.
If you tell TSA you have a bomb they will likely detain you and not let you fly for a while. Seems reasonable.
If you say gender is not on a spectrum… you might be labeled and/or accused of hate speech (whatever that means).
What if you say things that are disagreeable to a certain group of people and get canceled for it?
Getting canceled by a group is a sign. A sign of profound weakness and insecurity. Being unwilling to have a debate about something could also be classified as extreme ego or laziness. In many cases you’ll know you’re right when the attacks become personal.
Allowing groups to control what you say is a steep glide path to the ground.
“Walk softly and carry a big stick.” - T. Roosevelt
The rest of your freedoms count on it.
Not Sorry
When someone is offended, do you apologize?
An automatic sorry can be a lazy response. Many people are looking for ways to be offended. Especially by a rich white guy.
When you’re a prideful jerk, say you're sorry. Be kind.
On the other hand… don’t placate someone against your core value structure. It’s disingenuous and unloving.
Here is a useful filter to apply to what you’ve said:
Was my pride a factor?
Did I violate my values?
Hate AI?
If robots are taking money out of your pocket don’t stand still and don’t complain.
The world is changing and in the big picture it’s nothing new.
Companies are leveraging robots to improve the bottom line. They follow protocol precisely and work around the clock. They don’t complain, make fewer mistakes, and don’t ask for PTO.
If you own a burger joint and you got sued because someone burned themselves in the hot grease you have a decision to make. Fool me once.
You can fight robots all you want but going on strike is a waste of energy.
If robots can do it better, let them.