Sunday Blues
If a wave of dread comes over you on Sunday afternoons maybe it’s time… time to do something else. The situation you find yourself in is largely your fault. There have been many forks in the road, things you’ve tolerated, and difficult conversations you have not had.
The perceived pain of change slightly outweighs the pain of staying put.
Another day, another week, another year.
Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is the root of your dread.
Keep living for the weekends or start living.
You decide.
Contributing Factors
The best way to collapse all hope for happiness is to confuse contributing and determining factors. If you make contributing factors your determining factors you lose the ability to be content.
Let’s suppose a bird shits on your head this morning. [Contributing Factor]
As a result, you believe your day is ruined. [Determining Factor]
The contributing factor is the objective event of a bird defecating and gravity doing its job. The subjective interpretation of the contributing factor determines how it affects you.
Please remember, the external occurrence only has the power you give it.
Hat Tip to Myron Golden
Mental Health
Avoiding difficult situations, tough conversations, and defending your comfort in the name of mental health will make you weak. Someone who is mentally healthy has solid boundaries, a firmly planted identity and actively exercises the emotional muscles needed in life.
Taking a “Mental Health” day is fine as long as you aren’t avoiding something hard.
Leveraging the excuse of “Mental Health” to avoid discomfort is cowardly at best. A mentally healthy person doesn’t perpetuate fragility.
Next time the hill gets steep and slippery, don’t misunderstand it for a threat to your mental health. It’s an opportunity to put your grippy boots on, grab your walking stick and climb the damn hill.
Defensiveness
Allow your snap defensiveness to be a clue. A clue that your identity is misplaced.
“If I do good, then I am good.”
“If they like me, then I’m likeable.”
“If I have it, then I’m valuable.”
“If I control it, then I’m safe.”
“Because that awful thing happened to me, I am the victim from now on.”
The source of most defensiveness is misplaced identity. We all have limiting beliefs, but they don’t have to hold us back. The quick path to a new frame is to find a firm, stable identity. You must acknowledge the core sense of who you are and what you are worth can only come from a soul connected to the creator.
The black hole in your chest will yearn but never be satisfied until you do.
I checked.
Mad?
When someone is mad and seems to stay that way, it’s probably serving them in some way.
“What are you mad at?”
It’s easy to get an answer, and it’s rarely the real answer. It’s not because they are lying to you… it’s because they’ve decided. Decided on a villain. The villain is just a receptacle for misplaced anger. The villain justifies and validates their anger and gives them permission to fume.
Don’t forget, putting a villain in the crosshairs is much easier than peeling back the layers.
Peas in a Pod
It’s nice to have close relationships. You are on the same wavelength.
“We are like two peas in a pod… always on the same page.”
“They just get me.”
So why do we get into all these arguments? Most of the time you want the exact same thing so why all the trouble?
Most disagreements are a symptom of laziness. Laziness in the communication realm.
“They should know what I’m thinking…”
You likely take your time articulating your thoughts, plans, and ideas to acquaintances and almost never have misunderstandings.
Take a deep breath and stop short-cutting your communications. Be clear and set the assumptions aside and watch your arguments melt away.
State the Obvious
If you want to be annoying or unhelpful, state the obvious. When someone is in the arena doing something difficult stating the obvious from the stands seems like the helpful thing to do.
“You need to hit the ball on the green, if you keep slicing it you’ll never make par, you need to learn to have more control.”
The golfer’s number one goal is to get the ball in the hole. He is doing everything he can to hit the ball where he is aiming. Highlighting the undesired outcome makes you look like a fool… unless you are playing for money.
That Friend
To make it simple, if someone says one of these things, they are likely not your friend.
“You never call.”
“Hope you aren’t working too hard and missing out on what really matters.”
“Oh now you’re too busy for us little people?”
“Gosh, you’ve really filled out since I saw you last.”
“Wow, you got lucky huh?"
“I almost didn’t recognize you.”
“You can afford that? Must be nice…”
“You used to be more fun.”
Deep inside you know who your real friends are. They are the ones who are healthy enough to celebrate your successes and comfort you in loss. They are the ones without expectations. They are the ones who have their own life to live alongside yours. They are the ones you don’t talk to for a season but can pick up right where you left off.
You only need a few.
Stick with them and you’ll end up on higher ground.
Not My Monkey
Everyone has a backpack to carry and the only time you should offer support is when their backpack is way too heavy. Stepping in to take their normal backpack as an act of “love” is damaging. “But they need my steadying hand!” While they walk a little lighter and a little freer, none the wiser to his own unused strength. This becomes a fine arrangement at first glance but a trap for both.
The problem with such a habit is that before long, neither of you knows how to stand upright on your own two feet. You are confused by where your backbone ends and his begins. You are smashed by weight that isn’t yours and the other guy’s muscles are atrophied.
There is a pretty big difference between being helpful and making it about you. Do you ever grab someone’s problem and make it your own? Isn’t that being empathetic? Isn’t that the loving thing to do?
Nope.
Trying hard to control the outcomes for someone else is classic codependency, first cousin to selfishness, and is double-dipped in resentment.
Not my monkey, not my circus…
Stray Cat
Generosity over time is typically forgotten. When someone is perpetually open-handed the benefactor will likely stop noticing. It's human nature, not malice.
At first, they thank you… then they expect you… then they resent you for not giving more. When the well dries up, don't be surprised if you get a tantrum. Over time they have convinced themselves that it is rain from the sky, not sweat from the brow.
What starts as generosity often ends as obligation in the eyes of the receiver.
Your teenager slams their bedroom door and you calmly remove said door:
"Dad… why did you take my door?!?!"
"Whose door?"
It's worth noticing the generosity all around you and calling it out.
If you feed a stray cat every day and decide to stop, it won't mourn the loss of your kindheartedness it will hiss at the injustice of missing a meal.
We do it to God daily… unlike the depraved man, I'm glad He never runs out of patience.
It’s Complicated
What is the psychological reason for complicating things that should be simple?
It’s usually rooted in perfectionism. If a perfectionist has a choice to make, the fear of making a mistake leads to a firehose of complexity. It should only take three steps so let's add some extra steps to anesthetize the unpredictability. Sophistication creates an illusion of control.
“You have no idea how long I’ve been working on this.”
Sometimes it leads to the “best” solution, but at what expense? A solution that is good would have taken 10% of the time and kept the project moving forward.
Make sure you have some haphazard people in the room or you’ll likely be optimizing things that shouldn’t exist.
Thermostat
Removing yourself from certain situations is a healthy move. The tone is not your vibe so you move on. You walked in the room and you felt the negativity in your bones, like a dark cloud or a spirit of weight. Sometimes you can just hightail it out of there… but what if you can’t?
There is magic in setting the tone.
Imagine standing in line at the DMV. It’s a long line and everyone wants it to be over, including the staff. At that moment you are at a crossroads.
Do I remain a thermometer or do I become the thermostat?
A thermometer would say. This sucks and I just want to get out of here. “Why is the government so inefficient?"
A thermostat would engage the person in line. “Man this reminds me of taking my drivers test when I was 16. I barely passed. Where did you take your driver’s test? How did you do? What kind of car was it?”
A thermostat isn’t measuring the vibe but attempts to direct it. Thermometers want to be led, so lead them.
Manhole
Painful emotions are hard to deal with. Especially when they are keeping you from growth. Most keep them under the manhole cover and play like there is nothing below. It’s easy to do because the cover weighs 200lb and it’s a busy street.
Why bother?
Keeping the deeper issues at bay is only natural. Why bring it back up? I have things to do. I don’t need to revisit it. It’s in the past and I’m moving forward.
But are you really moving forward? What lurks below can be a force multiplier in a seemingly positive way. But eventually it will stop you in your tracks.
It’s only a matter of time.
It’s better to be brave and slide the manhole cover and make friends with the painful parts. Too heavy? Hire a pro to help.
Staying stuck is fearfully choosing the pain you do know over the pain you don’t.
Karen
“Karen” videos crack me up. They lose their mind, slide deep into their lizard brain and are in scorched earth mode. What got them there is never available unless you want to spend half a day reaching out to said Karen. So you accept the thin depiction and laugh at the spectacle.
It’s hilarious because we often feel the same way. Karen likely has been keeping things at bay. She’s been tolerant for a very long time. She’s been “patient” as the frustrations accrue.
A better approach is keeping short accounts with these frustrations. Stuffing them delays the inevitable. Stuff them long enough and you lose your shit. Patience is a virtue but a well placed boundary combined with gentle confrontation will keep you integrated.
Being endlessly tolerant will increase your chances of going viral.
Elephant
Facts have a nagging way of chasing us around. When you are in denial about something the truth follows you around like a stray dog. The denial causes you to ignore the discomfort of the truth and entrench us in our skewed convictions. If we abandon our misplaced convictions it can feel even worse. So we deny and protect.
When you invest a lot of energy into an idea, it makes it very difficult to see the big picture. If it’s a long standing, head in the sand situation, the denial has many layers of juicy rationalizations. If you say things to yourself enough times it feels like the truth. The stray dog remains but he’s not as close.
Denial is a trap so watch out for your convictions. Just because you feel a certain way doesn’t mean they can protect you from the facts.
Life’s too short to sweep the elephant under the rug.
Amigo
Ego is the primary bane of relationships. Putting yourself above others will lead to isolation and victimhood. At first glance, putting others before yourself is the answer.
But is it?
No one respects a doormat, much less befriends them. If everyone put everyone else first, it would be a race to the bottom because of the irreversible evil in the world. (John Lennon imagines otherwise) Let’s assume a bad guy breaks into your house and wants to have his way with your wife. Are you going to put him first?
Putting yourself first is less than fulfilling (I’ve checked). The key is to love others AS yourself and allow your maker to guide you.
Less ego, more amigo.
Eliminate
Resolutions and goals are typically top of mind this time of year. Sometimes it can feel a little like you're giving yourself one more thing to worry about. One more thing to add to the pile of things you “ought” to be doing.
Getting clarity can be difficult in the whirlwind of life so why not eliminate?
Think about how good it feels when you perfectly organized your office or that junk drawer at the house. Physical clutter ushers in mental clutter.
This year, in addition to goals, consider adding a list of things to eliminate. It could be commitments you should’ve said no to or shoring up compromised boundaries. It could be fried foods, TikTok or garage beers.
Musk says, “If you’re not adding things back in at least 10% of the time, clearly you aren’t deleting enough.”
Annoyed
Being annoyed comes easier for some than others. There are a million annoying things all around us.
Slow drivers
Food Smacking
Dog Barking
Siri
Slow Internet
Auto-correct Fails
Mouth Breathing
Long Lines
Loud Talking/Cackling
I’m sure you have your own list. The truth is, things that annoy you are actually your fault.
The stoics solve it best:
It isn’t the thing itself that annoys you… It’s your opinion of the thing. Chill out.
Winning
The price of winning is high. The problem with winning is that it takes a variety of effort. Some people “have it” and some people don’t. What do they have exactly? Natural talent… luck maybe?
It can be disheartening watching those around you seemingly win with ease. Sometimes you aren’t seeing all the hard work they did and sometimes they did zero work and end up looking like a shiny penny.
Most of the problem is our short sided comparison. Your thin definition of winning is not the whole picture.
It’s worth remembering you are running your own race. A race designed to make you a better person with just the right amount of suffering and breakthroughs.
So take heart, stop comparing, work your butt off, and mind your own bobber.
Hard on the Herd
The common denominator of the herd mentality is aligned emotion. You hear of something you love or hate and it evokes emotion then you jump on the bandwagon complete with the herd handbook of emotion based claims. If you disagree or challenge the herd you will be an instant outcast.
We are all part of herds but its worth your time to critically think about why. Most herds don’t emerge from reason. There are no herds, for instance, that use the scientific method to establish their group. Herds are rarely up for a good rational debate because their ideas are brittle... They seem to be mentally infected with a pathogen that keeps them from the pursuit of truth (hat tip Gaad Saad’s Parasitic Mind). They usually resort to name calling when their argument falls short.
Parting thought: You know you’re closer to the truth when the herd starts attacking comedians. The funny thing about any joke is the TRUE part and that can be hard on the herd.