Locus of Control
We all like control.
It gets dangerous when we:
Try to control others
Try to control our feelings
The craziness that bubbles up when we try, causes much pain. Pain that is unavoidable. We have a choice in our locus of control.
External Locus: The world and other people “happen to me”
Internal Locus: The world and other people “happen for me”
A dirty example of external locus of control is the shame grab. A shame grab is an effort to control others through a shaming ultimatum.
“You are the reason for my misery. The anxiety that comes up in me is caused by being around you. I can’t be the person God wants me to be while I’m in a relationship with you. So goodbye.” (based on a true story)
The Struggle
People who have sustained “success” are different than those who have sustained “struggle.”
Both have struggles.
The wide spectrum of struggles comes with a wide spectrum of responses. If you find yourself in perpetual struggle, perhaps the best move is to evaluate your response pattern. The struggle is your teacher, not your enemy.
Detailed Sales Guy
The persona that is great at selling usually has:
High social ability
Knows how to influence
Optimistic outlook
Thinks and moves fast
The persona that is not great at selling usually has:
Single task focus
Detailed orientation
Ability to create systems
Awareness of negative reality
If you’re trying to get the sales guy to pay attention to detail, you are making a big mistake. Let him do what only he can… sell.
It’s worth noting that all the money in your bank account can be traced to someone, someone who made a sale.
And…if you’re a detail guy…the sales guy will never succeed without you.
Bored Yet?
We spend a lot of effort avoiding boredom. The feeling of malaise is scary for momentum seekers. To the bigger, better, faster types, standing still feels like a death wish.
A possible growth move for this persona is to allow space. Allow space for nothing. No checking, no tasking, no solving, no moving.
Just stillness in the moment… and then what?
Breathe.
No Motivation?
It turns out we have all the motivation we need.
If this is true, where is it hiding? Why is it so hard to motivate ourselves?
Here’s a cool trick to consider…
Ask yourself: Why might I do x?
Why are these reasons important to me?
What is the 1st step, if any?
If you decide to do this with intention you will uncover your own reasons for moving forward. It’s worth noting that other people’s reasons can keep you stuck.
Don’t Ask
It turns out that the notion “it never hurts to ask” is dead wrong. Asking good questions takes thought, intention, and intelligent curiosity.
Lazy questions are obvious. They are obvious because they open an irrelevant loop or have google-able answers.
Lazy questions are usually short and vague and require 10x the effort to answer than to ask. If you ask lazy questions to a wise man, he will likely:
Ignore you
Avoid interacting with you
Tell you it’s a lazy question
A less wise man will simply resent you and judge you for it.
Pro Tip: Before you ask… get specific on the outcome you are after. Smart questions get smart answers.
The Bird
Think of a bird…
What kind of bird is it?
Is it flying or sitting?
Is it alone or in a flock?
Is the image clear in your mind?
It’s worth noting that your version of the word “bird” is different from anyone else’s. There is an official definition of the word, but an infinite variety of pictures.
Words mean things and it turns out that one of the keys to great relationships is to avoid defending your version.
Parting Thought: If you don’t want to get “the bird”, do more listening than talking.
Don’t Tell a Critic
Picking the right people to share your dreams with is vital to momentum. Let’s suppose your goal is to earn 10k passively every month. Telling a person who works an hourly job is likely going to criticize your strategy.
Your aspirations should be sacred.
Sacred enough to find the right people to vet your ideas.
Find people that already have what you’re after and tell them your strategy. The people that are further down the road will almost never criticize you.
Parting Thought: Your bold moves will always cause discomfort for the critic.
Just Glance
Sitting alone with nothing but pen and paper is not as easy as it sounds. Our internal world can be unsettling and cause a little anxiety. It can seem like a black hole.
Perhaps the better approach is to glance. Glance with curious eyes and record what you see. Do this enough and you will grow into your rarity. The rarity others long for and God pre-installed.
Avoid #1
Imagine having a hierarchy of effectiveness.
1 = Not Important (Easy)
2 = Important (Moderate)
3 = Very Important (Hard)
As humans we like the path of least resistance. We like easy more than hard because hard is.. well, hard. So we start with #1. The problem with #1 is, it’s infinite. It’s infinite because “not important” is easy and obvious.
The more hidden, yet effective, option is #3.
Our natural inclination is to be distracted by the velocity and availability of the unimportant. It lures us in and feels like work.
Pro Tip: The quickest way to nowhere is the path of least resistance. When it gets hard, look for effectiveness.
Picking Tools
Tools can be an invisible time suck. Especially digital tools. Digital tools that promise to save you time or make you money. Who doesn’t want that? So you download the neat tool.
Over time, you have so many tools to check in with, you’ve run out of time to do important work.
Flittering from tool to tool feels productive, but it’s likely a waste.
Pro Tip: Audit your tools and eliminate a couple of them today. They’re likely a distraction to real work that only you can do.
Plane Trance
There is something relaxing about an airplane ride. 30k feet and 500 mph, yet it feels like you’re sitting still. For whatever reason it’s a good time to think.
When you find yourself in a relaxed state, take advantage. Allowing space to journal, read, or think can produce a level of deep work that can straighten the mind.
Don’t be a sucker for frivolous entertainment. It will be there anytime you want it.
Problem With Prodigies
The prodigy is highlighted, celebrated, and admired. Especially the young ones. When we see a snippet of something amazing, our jaw drops and the seed is planted. The seed that provides an excuse to sit still.
“I’m no prodigy so why bother?”
The seed keeps people from intentional practice and deep work.
Pro Tip: The prodigy is an anomaly. Good ol’ fashioned fortitude over time will get you to jaw dropping results.
Serendipity?
“Some people get all the luck.”
At least it seems that way.
Sales people depend on a level of serendipity. “I was at the grocery store and there she was… we chatted in the cereal aisle and I got the deal.”
Figuring out ways to increase serendipity is a complementary tactic to hard work.
Serendipity can go both ways…so be mindful of where you hang out. Make a string of good decisions and the luck will no longer surprise you.
Psuedo Pals
One of the key elements to personal growth is environment. We are faced with ecological decisions that accrue. They accrue to help or hinder.
It turns out people are the most influential element of our ecosystems. The good news is we have a choice.
Pro Tip: Avoid pseudo friends who prioritize niceness and civility over being real… Your growth depends on it.
Hope as Strategy
Ideas and dreams rarely go anywhere for two reasons.
You share them with a skeptic
You don’t take action because of doubt
When you share them with a skeptic it can put a black mark on your hope. Be careful who you spend time with. Skeptics have their place but keep them away from the things you’re hoping for.
Pro Tip: The people that are taking action on their own ideas and dreams will almost always blow wind in your sails. Find them… they are the key to your success.
Depending on Happiness
Expecting someone else to make you happy while you do everything in your power to make them happy is a clear picture of codependency.
If you’re responsible for your mate’s happiness, you’re doomed. You're doomed because when they’re not, you feel at fault...when you feel at fault you get defensive.
It turns out owning an outcome that isn't your responsibility is a death spiral of misery.
Pain
It is unavoidable yet we try to avoid it. We sidestep, ignore, shift, and anesthetize it. It turns out time doesn't heal it either.
If we could use logic or reason to think our way out of pain we would have already done it by now.
It requires work in the emotional realm. There are no tricks or hacks to circumvent….
(I checked)
Working through pain via prayer, an empathetic friend, and perhaps a skilled therapist will free you to be the real you.
Ways to be Unhappy
Unhappy people are slaves to their circumstances. when circumstances change you’re a victim at first but after a while choices emerge.
Will I continue to lament what I can't control?
Take action
The excuse Loop keeps people from making a difference in the world. The excuse loop keeps people away from happiness.
I’d _________ but _________
If only ______ then ______
I wish _____ so I could _____
If you stay in the loop, misery is nearby.
“I’m Disappointed”
Disappointment has a key requirement. A requirement of effort, judgment, and desire about someone or something.
It requires expectation.
It turns out that it's worth our time to manage our expectations. Our response when things fall short of what we expect tells the story.
Asking yourself why you expect what you expect might… just might… be connected to your happiness.