Do You Like Me?
Who doesn’t want to be admired? Being around people that don’t like you is no fun.
We do all sorts of monkey business to get others to like us.
Most of it’s a waste. A waste because we are peacocking around to show others our cool feathers instead of pointing out how cool THEIR feathers are.
Want to be likeable?
Remember this: Your likeability is directly correlated with how people feel about themselves when they’re around you.
Truth and Love
There’s a relationship between the two.
Truth without love can be brutal. Brutal in that it’s harsh. It doesn’t change the truth but the way it’s delivered matters relationally.
Love without truth can be a bunch of sentimental fluff. It doesn’t change the intention of love but is it really love?
For some, it can be scary to deliver truth.
For best results… gently combine the two.
Law of Attraction
It’s the notion that positive or negative thoughts bring positive or negative experiences into a person’s life.
Negative type people think this is silly. For them, it’s true.
Imagine carrying a large wedding cake down a spiral staircase. You have two main thought choices:
I hope I don’t fall or stumble
Stay calm and balanced
Which thought is more helpful? The brain science says our minds are unable to compute “don’t” ...it just hears “fall or stumble”… and it will often obey.
Our quality of life is deeply impacted by our thoughts. If you focus on what you don’t want, you’ll get more of it.
Pro Tip: Be careful who you spend your time with… +/- energy is contagious…
They Don’t Get It
When someone isn’t “getting it” we tend to say the same thing, but a little louder.
Your hope is they didn’t hear you… surely that’s it.
Surely what you’re saying makes sense and you’re talking to a dummy that doesn’t “get it”.
Frustration mounts and the explanatory volume rises. In your mind, you’re judging the listener. The tapes in your head tell you they must be dumb.
It's worth noticing the feedback loop so your communication skills improve. If someone isn’t “getting it,” it might be on you.
Maybe a more useful approach is to judge communication efficacy on the responses we get.
Need Some Help…
When you ask someone for help and they end up making a mess of things… one of two things is likely going on.
They don’t really want to help ( think teenage kids…)
They didn’t understand the request...even though you made yourself “perfectly clear”
The outcome is fuzzy… fuzzy with less than optimal results.
Parting Thought: Maybe your bid for help was fuzzy. People can’t read your mind.
It’s Just Math
There's the equation and there’s the variables. The equation is the framework of what is. The parts that can’t be changed….
Unless you go get yourself a new equation. A new equation is not always an option. If the outcome of your current problem is creating consistent negative results, consider the variables.
Variables are your friend.
Variables can set you free.
Pro Tip: In some of the most difficult scenarios, YOU are the variable.
Meaning
Welp….it happened I was hoping it wouldn't. I did everything I could to hedge against it but it didn't help. So here I stand at a crossroads. The critical moment where I can choose between two paths.
Misery
Growth
Misery occurs when I argue with reality. When I spend time disagreeing with what “is”. The Free radicals (stress) rush through my body and my health slips.
Growth occurs when I notice reality and thoughtfully consider the meaning I give it. The meaning I attach to my circumstances is up to me.
Am I a slave to my circumstances or is what just happened merely feedback?
Once we apply a meaning it creates an emotion that then creates an action. When you’re feeling miserable, consider the meaning you’re applying to reality.
It turns out the “meaning” is the author of your feelings.
Control Freak
No one likes losing control… Being in control has some counterintuitive elements. Control seems to require a stiff grip. A stiff grip that forces compliance.
A stiff grip combined with the fear of losing control is unsustainable. It’s unsustainable for 3 reasons…
It requires a ton of energy
It’s mostly brittle
It must be precise to succeed
Control coupled with fear is a human response to the unknown.
Death-grips within any system is the weakest link. It’s the weakest because it’s rigid.
The element in the system that has the most flexibility is the controlling element. Watch what happens when you add ultimate flexibility to horsepower.
https://youtu.be/Mmh-ew1swD4
Your Anchor Line…
It’s time to grow. You’ve decided that you're ready to level up your game. You’ve just been inspired by a “guru” and now you’re motivated to make a change.
You’re tired of where you are and your vessel is fueled up and ready to go. Time to floor it!... Full thrusters in a new direction.
Quickly…. reality pulls you back.
You do a quick walk-around and notice the anchor line.
The anchor line is holding you tight. The anchor line is that mean voice in your head that says you’re not enough.
Your ability to execute is stopped by the anchor line. You can read another book, go to another rah-rah seminar to learn new tactics so you can mush the gas, only to be pinned down by the level of self-worth you’ve created. Self-worth you’ve created through your experiences and the meaning you gave them.
Your anchor line is likely well-tested and strong… It’s been there for a while. Maybe it’s time to cut it…
Pro Tip: Your journey to healthy self-worth can’t be traveled alone.
Upgrade
Goals can be frustrating. If you’ve written them down you’re a lot further along than most. Some people rarely achieve their goals while some achieve them year after year. They achieve them because of their standards.
Their standards support the goals they set.
If you’re falling short on your goals perhaps your standards need upgrading. We don't always set our goals but we do always set our standards.
Pro Tip: Upgrading your standards is easier when you choose the right friends.
Lookin’ Lucky
Some people look lucky. They have it going on and you're close enough to them to know it’s real. You’ve watched them ascend. You’ve seen them receive the awards. Earn the money and perhaps get the girl. It looks like a fairy tale… they make it look easy.
It’s easy to resent the luck but it’s not as easy to respect the work. The work of daily ritual, the work of resilience. The work of discipline.
Parting Thought: People are celebrated in public for what they do in private.
No Surprise
If you have to make a change, consider the impact of those that report to you. As leaders, we usually don’t suddenly change. The change has been brewing in our unconscious minds for a season. We’ve been stewing and scheming.
Over time the change doesn’t seem like a big deal because of all the conversations we’ve had with ourselves. It’s almost old news.
When we spring the change on the people who report to us, it erodes trust. Not because they don’t like change… but because they don’t like surprises.
Solo
When we have a big decision to make there is one way to have a super risky outcome…
Isolation - AKA making a decision without seeking wisdom.
Wisdom is not surface opinion. Wisdom has credibility. Wisdom has experience. Wisdom comes from making mistakes and course correcting.
When things get rough, take cover by seeking counsel from someone you consider wise. Isolating yourself is way easier in the short term.
Parting Thought: The short term ease typically manifests longer-term pain…
Gurus
There is a lot of value in a seminar. The good ones disrupt our thinking. They usually require a little travel and cause you to unplug from routine. They can usually provide just enough cognitive shift to pop you out of a rut. (If you take action on your intentions.)
Don’t be surprised when you’re asked to unhand some cash to get the support you need to execute. It’s part of the deal. After a little practice, you’ll be able to tell which guru deserves your money.
Making piles of money is never easy… Some gurus can flatten the learning curve but you still have to do the work. Buying the program is the easy part. If they paint the picture that all you have to do is run into a phone booth to become superman… look for another guru.
Fruit
Once a tree produces bad fruit you'll have to wait a season if you want good fruit. Good fruit is what we're after. It's prettier and more delicious.
The bad fruit took a season to produce and will take a season to change. The soil of our lives can be rich or toxic and depends on who we surround ourselves with.
Producing good fruit in our lives is a process that requires multiple inputs. Choose them wisely and over time you'll have the fruit you’re looking for.
Pro-Tip: Look for people who have the fruit you’re after and study where they are getting their nutrients.
Pro-Tip 2: There’s lots of plastic fruit out there...
Inefficiency $
Efficiency is tied to profit. Profit is required - unless you have donors who made a profit and give it to you. Achieving max output with minimum effort preserves resources and is the linchpin for a healthy bottom line.
The opposite of efficient is inefficient.
Another word for inefficient is presence. Presence takes time and at first glance, a waste. A waste because it slows momentum. Being inefficient is a waste in the context of a system or process.
If the system or process is run by a robot or software you’re on your way to profit. Problem is, most businesses have people. People require the leaders to be present. Being present with people is vulnerable because it’s inefficient.
if you’re efficient with systems and processes, you’ll make more money
if you are efficient with people, they will leave you…
It’s worth learning intentional inefficiency.
Your Script
Whether we like it or not, we are all the lead role in our own movie. We have heroes, but in our movie we are the protagonist. The question worth asking is… Who is in charge of the script? Who is in charge of the narrative?
The power of the stories that roll between our ears oftentimes casts a shadow on reality. Some of these “lines” are the primary reason we get stuck. Change occurs when our script starts causing us pain…
This type of change takes forever and sometimes doesn’t happen at all.
Want to change faster?
Find or hire someone to be your editor. Someone who can gently show you your narrative isn’t matching reality. Someone who can help you flip your script.
Once you are doing your own work you can start effectively leading others.
Plateau
If you feel like your business has plateaued it suggests you want more.
You’ve had a season of growth but now things have leveled out.
Here are 3 ways to grow a business:
Get more customers
Get customers to pay more
Get customers to buy more often
Pro Tip: Convincing won’t “get” your customers to do anything long-term. If you want to grow your business, 2 & 3 requires you “get” good at persuasion.
Go make your mark!
It’s Your Fault…
Blame never ends well. It feels like a shortcut to relief when things are falling apart. Surely it isn’t our fault when things go bad.
When you put a ball firmly in someone else’s court you’ve removed your power. When you blame someone you’ve given up your control.
You have to wait. You have to wait because you put the ball in their court by blaming. Years can go by if they walk off the court.
If we blame, we remove our valuable opportunity for growth and change.
Not wanting growth and change? Enjoy the waiting game…
Pro Tip: It’s worth noting that personal responsibility doesn’t equate fault.
Equity
It’s the goal of a healthy balance sheet. Equity is powerful when it’s positive. Having negative equity is scary because if the business fails, the debt still stands - and you’re toast.
Relational equity is hard to come by. It takes many deposits of listening, trust, and respect. We all walk around with relational balance sheets. Some friends have lots of equity and others… not so much.
Equity is tied to trust and safety. Having equity on someone else’s balance sheet can help that person grow. With love and grace you can cash in a little equity to confront or challenge. Which, if done correctly, will grow your equity even more.
Confronting or challenging without equity is like borrowing more money to get out of debt.