Depending on Happiness
Expecting someone else to make you happy while you do everything in your power to make them happy is a clear picture of codependency.
If you’re responsible for your mate’s happiness, you’re doomed. You're doomed because when they’re not, you feel at fault...when you feel at fault you get defensive.
It turns out owning an outcome that isn't your responsibility is a death spiral of misery.
Pain
It is unavoidable yet we try to avoid it. We sidestep, ignore, shift, and anesthetize it. It turns out time doesn't heal it either.
If we could use logic or reason to think our way out of pain we would have already done it by now.
It requires work in the emotional realm. There are no tricks or hacks to circumvent….
(I checked)
Working through pain via prayer, an empathetic friend, and perhaps a skilled therapist will free you to be the real you.
Ways to be Unhappy
Unhappy people are slaves to their circumstances. when circumstances change you’re a victim at first but after a while choices emerge.
Will I continue to lament what I can't control?
Take action
The excuse Loop keeps people from making a difference in the world. The excuse loop keeps people away from happiness.
I’d _________ but _________
If only ______ then ______
I wish _____ so I could _____
If you stay in the loop, misery is nearby.
“I’m Disappointed”
Disappointment has a key requirement. A requirement of effort, judgment, and desire about someone or something.
It requires expectation.
It turns out that it's worth our time to manage our expectations. Our response when things fall short of what we expect tells the story.
Asking yourself why you expect what you expect might… just might… be connected to your happiness.
Movers and Shakers
Movement feels productive because you’re moving. Being a mover and a shaker seems like a good idea but usually doesn’t pay. It doesn’t pay because the moving is for the sake of moving. It’s for the sake of a good feeling and appearance.
Taking actions towards your goal pays because most arent willing to do the work to produce. Action pays because there is less competition. Action pays because its usually uncomfortable.
Pro Tip: Moving and shaking is fine as long as you know you’re NOT actually working.
Productive Slacker
Some of the most productive people seem to be highly disciplined. The truth is they’re slackers with an awesome behavior framework.
Our brains will naturally take the path of least resistance. The question is… What's on that path? The productive slacker (PS) designs the path to contain low friction, high output behaviors. Behaviors that move them towards their goals. The PS will make it easy to eat healthy by having almonds nearby instead of Cheetos. Cheetos taste better but since they aren’t in plain sight the almonds win.
They win because they’re on the path. The path of least resistance.
Watch The Feet
Part of being attuned is noticing body language. When you're telling a story or getting into the weeds about the details, watch their feet.
If they're angled away or their shoulders begin to turn down that's your cue. It's your cue to land the plane.
If you're having trouble getting people to listen to you it might be because they're scared. Scared they will get trapped in your long-winded monologue. Tune into body language and know when to be concise.
Many “talkatives” mistake politeness for interest.
Problem Solving
The most profitable players are excellent problem solvers. They can identify them clearly and attack them quickly….but they have a secret.
The common first move is to find out “why” it happened. It feels like it's solved when you find out “why” but there is no profit in blame.
The secret is deconstructing how the problem works. Problems are usually process-oriented and not isolated events. The lazy approach is to blame, reprimand and move on.
The profitable approach is to adjust the framework until the problem is gone.
Touchy Feely
One of the goals of business is to grow profit through standard operating procedures and monitoring key performance indicators.
The other goal is to have fun doing it. We are people, not droids.
It’s easy to set aside the subjective more touchy feely elements of a business.
The CFO will often look at activities that can’t be measured as a waste… especially if it costs money. And that’s her job. It turns out a business with excellent culture and negative cash flow ain’t sustainable.
The good news is that the immeasurable things are also free… or very low cost. Tune into the people around you and build relational equity.
Why build a business where everyone can’t wait for the weekend?
Placebo
The placebo effect points to the notion that what we think really matters. If the doctor gives us a pill and says it will make us better and we believe his authority, then we will likely feel better. Even if it's a sugar pill.
The “no”cebo effect is the opposite. Oftentimes we focus on the negative and it produces a negative outcome. Most golfers know what happens when they focus on the tree they want to miss.
Pay attention to what you DO want.
Pro Tip: Our brain doesn’t process the “don’t” in “don’t hit that tree.”
Warning to Tacticians
Scaling your business by searching for tactics and hacks can actually get in the way of real work. Tactics are vital but must align with your principles. Making tactical moves that don't align with the fabric of your mission will set you back.
Take a deep breath and calmly evaluate your principles. Confirm they are durable and make the world a better place. Then and only then will your principles inform useful tactics… Tactics that advance your mission.
Pro Tip: Every single durable principle is in the Bible. Look for yourself…
(Proverbs is a great place to start…)
How’s Your Reputation?
Working on your reputation by "showing off" good behavior is kind of like working on losing weight by wearing a bikini. It works a little but the energy and focus is misplaced.
The timeline of outcomes starts way earlier. Your reputation is a result of your character and your character is the sum of a million decisions. Decisions are mostly made while all alone.
Habit Paradox
A “bad” habit is typically defined as a consistent action that solves a short-term problem but has long-term negative consequences. At the time the action seems like a reasonable solution.
If the problem is stress or anxiety the short-term relief might be junk food or alcohol. The long-term effect is a debit to your health. At first, it's a credit because it feels great which makes the action reasonable at first glance.
The transaction has a “fools gold” effect because you’re fooled on the front end. The paradox is that the “credit" of a good habit isn't realized on the front end. This explains why bad habits are easy to start and good habits are hard to keep.
Pro Tip: It's worth paying attention to the habits you have been sold to solve recurring problems.
MG: Atomic Habits
The Rut
When you find yourself in a rut there's an unexpected culprit. The culprit is comfort. Comfort is sneaky. Sneaky because we tend to be sucked towards the same things over and over… even if they are the wrong things.
Overtime we find ourselves in a rut of dysfunction. Surrounded by people, circumstances and patterns that keep us stuck.
It's worth taking a hard look at what's comfortable. The rut is staying in the familiar just because it's what you're used to.
Make a list of comfortable things that keep you from your best and take steps to move away from them.
Pro Tip: sometimes your comfort zone can be people.
Talent or Work?
Talent is only part of the story. You hear a new friend sing and play the guitar like Eric Clapton. Afterwards you say…
"Hey man, that was incredible… You are so talented.”
You might mean well but that comment is likely not music to his ears. "Talent" suggests that the music came naturally… Or that he was born with it… like he didn't have to do a thing to sound like that.
Perhaps admiring the WORK would feel better.
"Hey man, that was incredible… I can tell you've worked long and hard on your craft. Thanks for playing.”
….my guess is he will be more eager to play for you again.
Threshold
It's the point at which change can occur with momentum.
On a bike, it's that point where you might "blow up” but probably won't. It's the last stop… The razor's edge. The crossroads where if you pedal any harder you will not be able to continue and if you stop it will be hard to get momentum again.
Threshold is the moment where psychological change can occur. The pain of staying the same is equal to the pain of change. It's the point of inflection. Notice when you were at threshold… It's where personal growth lives...
Roomba
When someone asks you for feedback first ask what kind they want. Clarifying this upfront will save time. Assuming they want direct (more harsh-leaning) feedback might cause a tailspin.
People who are taking action and bumping into stuff are the ones who are eager for growth. Helping someone who is at a standstill can be like pushing a rope. Those who are not taking action will likely eat up your time.
Don't allow it. Find the action takers who are in motion.
It's worth noting… The floor gets vacuumed because the Roomba isn't afraid of feedback.
Feedback That Stings
Showing your creation to someone for feedback is a scary notion. It's scary because they might have some helpful feedback that will likely sting. Our ability to grow and improve is directly tied to how much feedback we subject ourselves to.
A few ideas to consider:
Frame your request as if you are in the process. If you've “completed” something then you're likely not seeking useful feedback. Allow space and invite input.
Some feedback will be useful and some won't. Practice building a courageous filter. The goal is growth and enhancement.
When it starts to sting take a deep breath, listen and avoid defending. Don't expect your filter to work when your lizard brain is activated. Give it some time.
The wise people in your life will be direct… If you don't use their feedback they will stop giving it and leave you with your blind spots.
Horsepower
Horsepower is the power a horse exerts while pulling…unless you’re talking about a vehicle or a person. One horse equals 746 Watts. It's a measure of effective power
With people though, the power comes and Goes. Creative, mental, and physical power is contingent on a million things…a million things we can control, and likely another million we can’t.
One aspect worth your attention is how emotional health relates to your horsepower. Your horsepower to create and make the world a better place.
Pro tip: Hiring a therapist to unpack your crap is the fastest way to access more horsepower.
“Yeah, but…”
An optimist sees the glass half full, but a successful person takes it to the next level. People typically see the world in two frames...
Opportunity frame
Problem frame
We need both frames to grow consistently. Inaction can be the result of a perpetual problem frame.
The growing person can transition between the two frames and still keep momentum.
Pro Tip: be present with what "is" and move forward with an "as if" mindset. If you catch yourself saying "yeah, but…”, you're likely stuck in the problem frame.