React
One of the easiest ways to tell who you are dealing with is to observe their actions. You can find out what’s important to them through their activity.
That’s the easy way.
But, what’s the BEST way? The best way is to observe their REACTIONS. How people react to negative reality is the most telling. It’s the most telling because people are calm when things are going well.
The real test of maturity is when things are burning down.
Before you team up… Make sure they can take the heat.
Arguing
It’s impossible to argue with a good listener. When someone says something inflammatory let that be your cue. Your cue to get curious.
Say…
“Tell me more.”
“What gives you that impression?”
Try repeating back what they said and adding to their point. Over time, they will often soften their extreme statement. Encourage the bloviation and listen for them to talk themselves off the ledge. The bloviator will love you for it.
If you want to cement someone’s extreme position… Argue with them.
Time to Confront
Confrontation is a tough notion… Especially when done in love.
When you see a friend going down the wrong path… a path that will do them harm, it’s worth confronting them. It takes a bit of bravery to love someone like this. It’s easier to mind your own business. The business of avoiding discomfort.
“What gives you the right to judge me?”
Answer: “I’m not judging you… I’m judging your actions… I love you too much to stand by in silence.”
Well, I Believe
Set beliefs are handy. Handy if they are the right ones. If they are the right ones, you can make quick decisions without much cognitive dissonance.
Beliefs can give you a filter to navigate the world. If you suspect a troublesome belief, ask yourself:
Does this belief serve me?
If it doesn’t, what belief would be more generative?
Beliefs can make or break you. If you’re struggling it’s worth taking inventory of your beliefs, then asking the questions.
Crystal Ball
The past can teach us quite a bit about what might happen next. If your dog wags his tail when you walk in the door, he will likely do the same tomorrow.
There is comfort in predictive behavior. Discomfort comes when there is change. Change that is misaligned with our predictions. The validity assigned to a prediction is directly tied to the level of stress we feel when we’re wrong. Overvaluing our crystal ball delivers anxiety.
Hold on to your hope for what’s around the corner… but loosen your grip. A tentative grip leaves room for faith.
It’s His Fault…
When it hits the fan it’s easy to think:
There he goes again…
If he would just…
Why won’t he…
If I want it done right, I’ll have to do it myself!
The energy used to blame is reserved for the “stuck”. The stuck are unwilling to take responsibility for their part.
Blaming will make you average and you're not average.
Feeling Stuck?
When there is a problem, the first move is to define it. Problems have a negative undesirable outcome and getting clear about what’s happened is vital to solving.
It’s worth noticing the sticking point in the process of solving. Solving is not rehashing what you don’t want. The number of things you don’t want is infinite.
The list of things you do want is short, but it takes a lot more effort. It’s harder because it’s vulnerable. It’s vulnerable because you might not solve it. It’s much safer to remain stuck.
Sheet 3
Take out 3 sheets of paper. Find a quiet spot. Create the context of 3 buckets in your mind: Health, Wealth, Relationships
Sheet 1: List all the things in your life that are working.
Sheet 2: List all the things in your life that are not working
Sheet 3: List all the changes you want to make to perpetuate Sheet 1 and minimize Sheet 2
Add action points to your calendar.
Pro Tip: Ruminating on the “uncontrollable” will cause you misery… I checked.
Moral Lines
Much like any business, the real estate sector has a million ways to cheat, fudge, omit, or mislead. The opporunity to get ahead while setting aside what is right is around every corner.
Everyone’s moral lines are different. As I age, I’ve noticed the world is not as binary as I once thought. Next time you’re faced with a moral dilemma, ask yourself 2 questions…
How would I want to be treated?
Will I regret doing the right thing?
Pro Tip: There is great value in pre-deciding moral lines before you’re faced with the choice.
MG: I Thess 3:13
Boring Bubble
We tend to like living in bubbles. Surrounding ourselves with people who agree with us because it’s safe….safe because it takes energy and thought to have meaningful conversations about polarizing topics.
Making friends based on agreement will stunt your view of the world. Practice listening to others instead of fighting. Seek to understand and ask more questions.
Your bubble is likely boring anyway.
Parting Thought: If you’ve lost a friend via disagreement, it’s likely that one or both of you put being “right” above connection.
Noticing
Noticing opportunity takes practice. Most of the time our attention is consumed by the urgent or things that allow our minds to slide into neutral.
Ask yourself:
What will I do today to open my eyes to opportunity and begin to notice ways to make the world a better place?
Noticing lights the fuse of opportunity.
Trust vs Assumption
When you give a directive you expect them to understand and execute. You trust they will get it done. You trust they see the big picture… but then, nothing happens.
It feels like you can’t “trust” anyone to get the job done, so you continue to do it yourself.
“I just need someone I can ‘trust’”, you say.
It’s worth inspecting your definition of trust. Perhaps what’s really happening is you’re assuming they want what you want.
You’re assuming they can read your mind and they love what it says.
The Thought Doesn’t Count
It’s not the thought that counts.
Think of the last meaningful gift you’ve received. How did it make you feel about that person? Why was it meaningful?
Some notes you receive in the mail matter and others don’t. The difference is the thought behind the thought.
People can tell if you are being authentic.
If you’re not, skip the gesture…
Pro Tip: If you’re writing a note of gratitude, thank them for their character not their actions.
Fitting In [CBA]
The cost benefit analysis of “fitting in” is worth exploring.
Benefit
No one will make fun of you behind your back (acceptance)
It’s the path of least resistance (easier)
Less risk
Others will feel comfortable
Cost
You and your creation will be average
Having little or no impact
Your ideas remain small
You’ll make less money
It turns out that proclaiming your rarity is worth the risk.
Photo Op
Politicians are pros at photo ops. It’s an opportunity to freeze what they want the world to believe. The goal is to use imagery to advance their cause.
To enhance their status… to bolster their reputation. Perfectly curated and staged to catch your eye and tell a story.
The story they want you to believe.
Much like a smoldering duck-lipped selfie.
“Righting” Reflex
If you have a strong urge to make things “right” for others, it’s worth the effort to pause. Pausing is “effort” because there are so many “doing it wrong.”
The external wrongs can preoccupy the mind and keep you from righting the internal wrongs.
The truth is, the “righting reflex” applied to others is lazy. [See your local activists to prove it]
Your Work
The quality of the work you do is important to a point. The point at which the work is tied to your worth is the point the quality suffers. The quality suffers because there is a wall that protects identity.
If your worth is welded to your work, it will be too painful to get feedback and so the quality suffers.
If your heart starts to beat out of your chest when you sense feedback, consider the source of your identity.
Gal 2:20
Stigma
Certain things have a stigma.
Unquestioned stigma can cause you to miss out. Stigma can also save you a lot of heartache. It can be based on truth or can be based on fear.
Our first move as humans is to avoid danger and the fear of something negative is the birthplace of stigma.
Confusing stigma with truth is a direct ticket to being average. Notice and question stigma to give space for a more rich view of the world.
The people you lead, long for you to know the difference.
Big Decision
A looming big decision can stall your momentum. It feels like a binary all or nothing notion. It feels like everything needs to wait until you decide. Deciding can take longer than you think and you want to get it right.
As you mull, the facets and nuances multiply… Which can make the decision feel even bigger.
Pro Tip: Consider breaking the “big” decision into smaller parts and deciding one at a time.
Getting Feedback
Feedback is vital but can also send you on a wild goose chase. When others watch you build, the feedback is likely nearby. You want your project to be awesome and you want people to like it.
The wise builder knows how to filter feedback. He knows how to filter because he’s chased the wild geese.
The good news and bad news is there is feedback everywhere.
Pro Tip: The main reason useful feedback is hard to hear is because of the competing volume of your own internal narrative.