Comparison Ain’t No Thief
They say comparison is the thief of joy. I don’t think it’s true. Comparison is vital to personal growth. If you press the pause button and really think about what steals your joy you’ll discover the real culprit: The negative self-talk…post-comparison.
Here is a low calorie example:
If you notice someone with good style the comparison can go two ways.
UNO
“I wish I could look that good…he always looks so damn sharp…I hate guys like him. I always look like a lazy fool in flip-flops. I dress like I live in my mom’s basement. Besides I don’t have the money or natural sense of style. I’ll always be a frumpy joe-bag-of-doughnuts type. Comparison is the thief of joy so I’m just gonna slip on my camo crocs and keep wearing this ole Cheeto dusted hoody.”
-VS-
DOS
“I really need to up my game. Who do I know well enough to help me with my wardrobe? I’m going to go through my closet this week and get rid of the stuff I know won’t cut it. I’m looking forward to respecting myself more with developing a sense of style. I bet anyone can learn this stuff and I’m going to commit to paying closer attention to what I wear.”
Comparison is a tricky subject but universally saying that it steals your joy is a copout.
Pro Tip: Find the right people and compare like crazy. It will make you better.
Look For It
It’s amazing how you can find what you are looking for. If you’re lusting after a new truck suddenly the model in your mind's eye starts showing up all over the place.
If I tell you to find all the round shapes in the room you are sitting in you will likely label anything remotely round…as round.
The same thing happens on an emotional level.
If you are naturally a negative leaning person you will easily see things around you that are “wrong” or “not right.”
If you are easily offended you might be overly attached to some belief.
If you get angry when something bad happens it might be a confirmation bias response to what you were looking for.
If you are running late and you think all the people on the road are slow and in the wrong lane I bet you will find what you are looking for.
I’m not a big manifestation guy but you can’t deny some of its validity.
Want to be happier? Less stressed? More at peace?
Notice what is pure, lovely, admirable, and excellent. It’s more pleasant than being a victim.
The Valley
The hardest part about a valley is that you often don’t see the path out. It winds left and right with ups and downs. The ups trick you into believing it might be over and the downs make it feel like it may never end.
The tough part is the work to emerge. You don’t know what you don’t know and you're having to make decisions with incomplete information. Sometimes all the work in the world won’t do it and sometimes a little effort changes the landscape quickly.
Will this valley be the last thing in your life? Is it a blip on the screen? You can guess using past experiences and look for a handle or two to hang on to…but deep down inside you know you don’t know.
Good news is, God does.
Parting Thought: Most valleys have rivers in them…it’s worth finding others to paddle with.
Trapped
The feeling of being trapped is more common than you might think. Some are trapped in a failing body, a tough job, a business that isn’t panning out or a relationship that isn’t working. Maybe it’s mediocre success and your soul is itching for more.
Your attitude towards the stuck circumstance is an important component to perseverance. If you use stuck or trapped language for example, it will likely make it worse. Assuming you want to be free, your outlook is about the most important thing. False hopes or aggressive actions aren’t as useful as finding meaning inside the predicament. Reframing the current position and looking for upside to leverage is a pretty useful way to come out on top.
All the people around you feel trapped in some way. You aren’t alone.
Hate Surprises?
At some point the data has to come out. Everyone is thinking one thing but the truth is, they are wrong. Their assumptions or expectations of what was going to happen didn’t.
It’s worth asking yourself, do I really hate surprises or do I hate lack of control? This type of “surprise” births all sorts of whining and complaining.
Surprises are simply a mismatch of what we expected and what actually happened. Change is often the lasting consequence of this reality.
“I don’t want any surprises” actually means I don’t want anything to change. I expect it to happen this way, so don’t disappoint me with anything different.
Pro Tip: Humility allows space for surprises. Pride doesn’t.
Sugar-Coated Sin
Trying to do the right thing and putting forth effort to be moral is a worthwhile endeavor. The swarm of thoughts, hints, and temptations to disregard what you know is right will always be present. Indulgence is what turns the skies gray.
The push to do the right thing provides quite a bit of clarity. Even when you aren’t successful at every turn. The effort shines light and teaches you how to do better next time. Two steps forward, one step back is full of upside.
When you slip up, avoid sanitizing your misstep with a virtuous lacquer. Instead, leave it alone, apologize and don’t do it again.
Truth in Doses
Sometimes the truth hurts. I used to lie to my kids…sometimes out of laziness and sometimes because it wasn’t appropriate timing.
I often wonder what would happen if I told the truth no matter what. What would happen if I didn’t soften the blow with omission? Besides, if you don’t have something nice to say don’t say it at all right?
If all truth was revealed all at once I would likely curl up in the fetal position and cry uncle. Maybe this is why kids are kids.
Maybe God keeps the truth of life from the young as they are starting out or else they would have no heart to start at all.
Hat tip to Cormac McCarthy.
Seeking Credit
Seeking credit is a natural thing. It’s natural because we want to be recognized, appreciated and valued.
Sometimes this can get a little wonky. Wonky because it takes quite a bit of time to get the credit. It’s illusive because you are depending on someone else to give it to you. Grandstanding takes a ton of effort and is mostly a waste.
Seeking credit might suggest some insecurities.
Am I enough?
Will people see my hard work?
Do I matter?
Once again…your identity really matters more than you might think. If you are spending a bunch of time and effort making sure people perceive you as a hard worker you are likely not working hard enough. Put your head down and get to work.
Remember…you can be way more productive if you aren’t seeking credit.
PS: Several of you have asked if I have a writing service create these blog posts. Nope..it’s just little ole me, no AI, nothing but my pea brain spilling out thoughts as I navigate the world. *seeking credit 😆
Misunderstood
It’s painful when you are misunderstood. You want those around you to know your intentions, your heart, and your motivations. When they make assumptions that are off base it can sting.
The trouble comes when you try to explain yourself. What if they don’t believe you? What if they doubt your intentions. Double sting.
This type of cycle can be brutal on your mental bandwidth. It’s brutal because you have no control over their beliefs. If you are locked in on “making it right” but the other person has no interest, you will be miserable.
There are really only two elements that can ensure success:
Get clear about your identity
Let people be wrong about you
Note: If your identity is not rooted in your Creator your soul will lack peace.
Sleep Tight
As humans we really like to categorize, organize and label things so they make sense. It takes a lot of time and effort to get it all straight in our heads. Countless sleepless nights occur trying to solve the puzzle.
There is value in naming things but it doesn’t get you across the finish line. We know it’s a bird, we know it’s a raptor, we know it’s a Red Tail Hawk but there is much more. We only have labels and theories but the Red Tail can never be fully known.
We get a little antsy when things don’t align, compute or make sense. Even things that aren’t up to us.
Things can simply be observed and get along just fine without our opinion.
Sleep Tight
PS: Next time it’s bedtime notice all the open loops. If you want to have a sleepless night…try to close them.
You’re So Basic
Basic is my word for the year. It’s an insult if you’re under 35.
“You’re so basic” said with a tone of contempt means you're probably being roasted. In the short run, you could be considered basic for ordering a pumpkin spice latte or walking around with a selfie stick. You would be considered “basic” for being mainstream and unoriginal. Shame.
If you expand the timeline, being basic has its upside. In the long run, basic refers to things that work and have always worked.
Like:
Writing love notes to your wife
Reading your Bible every day
Giving someone a meaningful compliment
Carrying a handkerchief and offering it to someone who needs it
Working hard instead of looking for a hack
Smiling when you walk into a room
Early to bed/early to rise
Exercising and eating right
I’ve been setting aside the basics as being unoriginal, but not this year. This year will be about getting back to the fundamentals of love, kindness, hard work, and determination.
This year I hope someone accuses me of being basic.
What’s your word this year?
Feliz Navidad! 🎄
Good morning and Merry Christmas! Thanks for staying connected to me as a friend and colleague through reading these weekly blog posts this year! They have proven to be a great way to stay in touch with you. As always I appreciate your comments and thoughts when you’re in the mood to reply. Your opinion matters to me so keep the interactions coming.
As we celebrate the birth of Jesus my prayer is that you feel the warmth and love from your family and friends (even though they can drive you crazy) Take a deep breath and be thankful.
Love you my friend!
~Craig
You Screening My Calls?
Behavior is a language…if they’re an emotionally integrated person and don’t pick up your call they are communicating something to you. Perhaps they are saying:
I’m in the middle of something and can’t pick up
If I pick up it will take forever to hang up and I don’t have the energy for it
If I do pick up and tell them I’m in the middle of something they will likely get their feelings hurt
This filter happens every day all around us. If you’re getting screened it might be on you.
Here’s how you know…
If you’ve ever said ”I tried calling you but you never pick up” or “I’ve been trying to reach you, where have you been?” It’s definitely on you.
Allow this victim mentality to be your cue. Your cue to remember that behavior is a language.
THAT > WHY
When something is or isn’t working it’s a good idea to spend a bit of time looking at the whys. The whys can shine light on future moves.
The problem is, we often think we know why when we actually don’t. We mistakenly think we know what caused the effect so we add or subtract the activity that we think will help.
Spending too much time trying to pinpoint the “why” slows growth. A brief after action review is a good strategy…a long winded analysis isn’t. When things aren’t working, get familiar with reality and focus on next steps instead of the death spiral of inaccurate whys. The effort put forth to assign blame is a waste of valuable energy.
The fact THAT it works is more valuable than WHY it works when you’re growing a company.
Whether it’s working or not...Start with “Why” but don’t linger.
Do Your “Best”
We all have goals. Ones we achieve, ones we miss, ones we kinda punt. There are so many uncontrollable things that keep us from achieving. Outside forces like high interest rates, technology breakdowns, or flaky people can set us back.
At times it seems like everything is stacked against you and it’s kinda true. You are doing your “best” but it still isn’t working.
Sometimes you claim to be doing your “best” but you know it's not quite your best.
Don’t EVER let your effort be the thing that holds you back.
God will show you what your “best” is, if you ask.
Get Control
We naturally want to have control. The number of things that are actually controllable are smaller than we might think.
Spill a glass of milk on the table and you have no control over where the leche flows. You don’t have a say in which way the wind blows or if you even wake up tomorrow.
It seems healthy to take charge of the controllable things. The things we ought to be doing. Things like our diet, our attitude, or our daily decisions. Getting out of bed early to head to the gym is up to us. Not controlling the controllable adds stress to our lives.
But what’s even more stressful?
Trying to control the things not meant to be controlled. It can be a blurry line usually created by self interest. Trying to avoid pain is a natural approach to living. The problems arise when we try to “control” away negative realities.
It’s not usually control but the illusion of control that slaps us down.
I Just Can’t Stand It!
Some things seem unbearable.
You’re up to your eyeballs and you’ve had it.
You just can’t take it!
You can’t “stand it” anymore!
Really?
The truth is you’re “still standing.” Your heart's still beating.
You’re either “standing it” or you’re dead.
If you’re not dead and have time to “stand” there and complain…you have time to take action.
Truth Bomb
The realist prides himself on being a truth teller. They are the type of people who tend to look through the bullshit and see what is really going on. It’s a talent, it’s a gift, and it’s also the fastest way to be a jerk.
What’s the point of delivering a truth bomb if it deafens the audience? Giving someone a piece of your mind is more about you than them.
The realist might say “That’s not my problem, I’m just calling it like I see it.”
Calling it like you see it and being blunt doesn’t move the needle in the right direction. (I checked). It’s relationally lazy. The more useful approach is to start with kindness. The heart behind what you say manifests itself through your tone.
If your tone is laced with self interest it won’t go well.
Be kind fam…
Don’t Judge Me
If you see a friend make bad choices what is your role? Leave him be? Who are you to judge?
Being afraid of judging is understandable. Judgment is important though. It’s important because turning a blind eye isn’t loving. We all make judgment calls every day. When your buddy isn’t using good judgment you should warn him. Let him know it kills you to see him going down the wrong path.
If he gets angry with you and 1shames you for “judging” him it’s a sign. A sign to let it go. You are wasting your breath. He is choosing his path over personal growth or curiosity.
Your pearls are too valuable for swine.
Silent Treatment
When things don’t go your way and you’re hurt or disappointed it’s tempting to punish the other person with the cold shoulder.
If we’re honest with ourselves it’s much easier to take the low road with the silent treatment. It’s satisfying because it gives the illusion of control. Maybe, just maybe they will come to you, hat-in-hand ready to take 100% ownership of everything they did to you. You want them to make all the correct guesses as to why you’re pouting, how it must have made you feel, and say a million sorry’s.
Pretty childish approach but understandable. The silent treatment is a useful way to avoid looking at your own pile of 💩. We all have our own piles and many times it’s your fault you’re triggered. Why? Because you haven’t been curious about the thing behind the thing. Why did that trigger me? What pre-existing pain did that agitate?
It’s scary to uncover some of those things and own them and learn from them. It’s much easier to act like it’s their fault for being insensitive to your invisible baggage. It’s a dysfunctional rescue-wish that will keep you stuck.
We’re all tempted to punish with silence…the question is…who is the one really suffering?