Reminiscing
There are many windows in our lives of perfect happiness. The vibe was magical the feeling of perfect bliss flowed through your veins. All of your senses satisfied. We’ve all had them. Can you think of yours?
The hard part is letting them come and go.
We think….“It was so perfect… I’ll go back to that beach or that mountain spot in the woods. I’ll recreate it. Maybe I should just retire there… live there full time. Feel the happiness perpetually.”
When we make this mistake we learn the original bliss can’t be repeated. It always falls short. Why?
Because it’s a conduit, it’s not the thing itself. Perhaps it was a vehicle to provide a glimpse of heaven. A brief portal of what’s to come. Maybe it’s God’s way of cracking the door to eternity.
Our time here on Earth will never satisfy. Don’t trick yourself into thinking you can recreate the feeling. It won’t work. It won’t work because God wants to make it clear you are just passing through. The lasting bliss is above.
Don’t forget…the one thing for certain is death. You are closer to it now than when you opened this email.
Have fun, enjoy yourself, and connect with the Creator.
P.S. My favorite song right now
Needs
No one wants to be seen as emotionally needy. Pull up your big boy pants and get it done yourself. Things could always be worse and…No one is coming.
The problem with emotional needs is we all have them but few are brave enough to identify them much less articulate them. It’s worth exploring what you need because all sorts of crappy things happen when you have unmet needs.
It actually takes a much bigger man to figure out what you need than to simply “handle it” on your own.
Feeling stuck? Man up and figure out what you need then ASK! Get the emotional nutrients from a comrade so you can step into who God made you to be instead of playing small via self-reliance.
Here is a list of core emotional needs I learned from J. Townsend:
~Acceptance
~Containment
~Empathy
~Validation
Pro Tip: Be careful who you ask.
Enemies
Sometimes picking an enemy is all the motivation you need. The more spiritual thing to do is to act out of gratitude and love but it doesn’t seem to move the needle immediately. It’s probably better than perpetually throwing darts at your enemy. Aren’t we supposed to love them? Is showing them how wrong they are… loving them?
I think most winners have a clear enemy. Their mission is to prove him wrong, make him eat his words, and bury his doubt in all your success. Mash the gas and don’t look back. I’ll show him!
Think of all the amazing things that have been built, created, or invented in this world because someone said it can’t be done. It’s impossible… you’re wasting your time… you’re just a dreamer.
The winner says: “Hold my beer”
If you don’t have enemies maybe you aren’t polarizing enough with your mission, values, and principles. Maybe you are just too soft? Too much religious glitter to be a winner?
Maybe, just maybe, one of the most loving things to do is to hustle hard enough until your haters ask if you’re hiring.
Clenched Teeth
Delaying the inevitable helps us pretend. Pretend that we might not have to do it or maybe…if we wait it will get better. Sometimes it does but reality has a way of making itself known. It’s not something you can pretend away.
The interesting outcome is the great feeling you get when you simply execute. It typically takes less time to move through the pain and it’s far less painful than we imagine. The conversation in your mind is what steals your time.
The key is to monitor the battle your thoughts are having with reality.
The cold water doesn’t get warmer if you ease in on your toes with a big inhale and clenched teeth.
Grudge
Some hold grudges more than others.
A grudge is always less about the offender than the holder of the grudge. The holder usually defaults to an external locus of control and has an incredible memory. The grudge is worth nurturing and serves them in some way. At least they think it does.
As a haphazard forgetful visionary and an armchair psychologist I’ve noticed a pattern. I don’t ever hold grudges and it has nothing to do with some sort of moral ninja skill. I’m simply forgetful. I’ve noticed that those who have a steel trap memory also struggle letting things go.
I have 99 problems but grudges are not on the list…or at least that I can remember.
Consequences
Consequences teach us so much. If something seems a little risky I oftentimes ask myself:
What are the irreversible consequences of this decision? Am I willing to live with them?
Side Note: I personally believe that you can actually measure intelligence by the response to negative consequences. There are a lot of people out there that seem to ignore them and are procreating at a significant clip.
Most consequences are not reversible…The path you choose afterwards is.
Pro Tip: Always do the next right thing. You won’t mind the consequences.
Expectations
Expectations are worth having.
Some say lower them to reduce disappointment. If you or they fall short, no biggie. Seems reasonable at first glance but in the end becomes a race to the bottom.
Some say they are fine as long as they are “reasonable.” We all know how subjective “reasonable” can be. Reasonable compared to what?
Having high expectations of others can elevate performance because they don’t want to disappoint. If you know they are people pleasers it makes you manipulative.
Expectations can be good and bad and are ultimately complicated.
Pro Tip: Be very careful about what you SILENTLY expect of others.
Uncommunicated expectations are actually premeditated resentments…
Buried
If you feel under the pile there is a pretty cool escape route to try.
Get out pen and paper and write down the immediate truth. Not what happened or what might happen but what is happening now. The first step to getting out from under any pile is to know exactly what you are dealing with in the present.
Writing down your current reality removes the power of the past or what might come. Eliminating things outside the present lightens the pile substantially.
Don’t let your brain spin up and torture you. Anxiety is a terrible way to spend your limited energy and wastes precious time you don’t have.
“Tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” - Jesus
Simplify Stupid
I always chuckle at the K.I.S.S. (keep it simple, stupid) principle as a little naïve. Tasks are easy to over complicate or over think. You can really look stupid when the simple way is obvious to a bystander.
Keeping it simple in the world of systems, strategies or describing the complex is a completely different story. The amount of effort to simplify is much higher than the complicated way.
Simplifying is a heroic effort with stacks of iterations and as it turns out, requires a high level of intelligence. Entrepreneurs appreciate what it takes to get there. They see the elegance and dollar signs like no other.
The next time someone has the curse of knowledge and you know you won’t understand half of what they are about to tell you, test their smarts by saying this:
“Before you begin…explain it to me like I’m a 4th grader.”
If they get frustrated, consider it a red flag.
Don’t let laziness, impatience or ignorance stand in the way of simplicity.
Advice on Advice
Giving advice obligates. It puts the receiver in a precarious spot. Do I take the advice? Do I blow it off? Do I debate the input?
The advice giver feels confident he’s helping. He’s “been there done that” and allegedly knows what he’s talking about.
Advice Starts with:
You should…
Why don’t you…
Have you ever thought about…
You need to…
Just…
A more generative approach is to hear them out, empathize, and tell a short parallel story. Your input is likely valuable to the situation but how you deliver it matters.
“In my experience…”
“One time I was in a similar situation and…”
Give space for them to arrive at their own answer instead of cornering them with your unsolicited input.
Por Supuesto
Saying “yes” to something is an easy thing to do. Besides, you want to be known as someone who cares, who’s capable, and who is there to serve. No one wants to let the team down or cause things to slow.
At first glance it’s a pretty low calorie commitment load but nested inside the decision is a failure. A failure to recognize the administrative tax. The 6 or 7 back and forth emails on the daily, the follow up, and the so called quick huddles. Your “yes” is much more involved than you thought.
The overhead cost can be high when we say yes. Sometimes it’s worth it and sometimes we regret our commitment. As a leader, make sure to insulate yourself from a “yes” that keeps you from your zone of brilliance.
You have a lane. Stay in it.
You’re Right!
You’ve studied the data, crunched the numbers, checked the budget and now it’s time to decide.
If you’re right you get the ROI you are looking for.
If you’re wrong it’s gonna cost you.
A month later you look back at the decision and it was “Right.” You pat yourself on the back, count your money, and are eager to do it again.
This time it’s a bigger play and you’re confident because it worked before. You reconfirm that nothing has changed and execute the proven plan.
A month later your gains dissolved and now you’re in the red. You do your after-action review and make a costly discovery…
You were “Right” for the wrong reasons.
Passive
Most passivity is a result of not thinking your voice can move the needle. What’s the point? Why bother? Mind your own business, live your life, and ignore the moral decline all around you. Let the fools be fools.
Is that the right thing to do? Finding the balance between a constant complainer and a change agent isn’t easy. Many remain silent because they don’t want to be “That Guy.”
“That Guy” Who
Is really into politics and constantly gripes
Is super religious and judges to no end
Is willing to argue with a fence post
Is obnoxious and offensive
Passivity might be worse than “That Guy.”
Being passive allows the immoral to accrue and become the norm. Find your voice and use it with Love. Be an example for “That Guy.” Show him there is a better way. The generation behind you has a front row seat wanting you to be the light in the darkness.
Relational Accounting
When you get sidewise with someone there is always an account created.
There are debits and credits. The majority are debits…debits based on assumption, assignment of intent, and quite a bit of speculation. As these entries accrue it puts the relationship in the red.
How does this happen?
Fear
Indifference
Spite
The loving thing to do is to check in.
Ex. The other day when you said ______ it kinda stung a little. Tell me more about what you meant by that.
Maybe you were the offender and your conscience starts knocking. Having the courage to circle back is a muscle worth building.
Ex. Yesterday, during the meeting, I made a snide remark aimed at you. Wanted to let you know it was wrong and I’m sorry.
Don’t let it fester. Rumination is a mindset that will ruin your chances of contentment. The longer you wait the worse it gets.
Keeping short accounts on both sides will make your life much better.
Getting Lucky 🍀
Creating something awesome requires more volume than you might think. The temptation is do it one time exactly right. Block off the day and get laser focused on making it as close to perfect as possible. Maybe you’ll get lucky and end up with something really awesome.
I heard about a research project with some art students. The three hour class was split in two.
Group 1 was told to each make the best clay pot possible
Group 2 was told to each make as many clay pots as they could
The first group focused all their time and attention on perfecting their pots. The 2nd group made tons of pots. Some were terrible, some were good, and luckily some were almost perfect. Through sheer volume Group 2 learned the most and had far superior pots.
The Lesson? Volume greatly increases the surface area for luck to land.
Comparison Ain’t No Thief
They say comparison is the thief of joy. I don’t think it’s true. Comparison is vital to personal growth. If you press the pause button and really think about what steals your joy you’ll discover the real culprit: The negative self-talk…post-comparison.
Here is a low calorie example:
If you notice someone with good style the comparison can go two ways.
UNO
“I wish I could look that good…he always looks so damn sharp…I hate guys like him. I always look like a lazy fool in flip-flops. I dress like I live in my mom’s basement. Besides I don’t have the money or natural sense of style. I’ll always be a frumpy joe-bag-of-doughnuts type. Comparison is the thief of joy so I’m just gonna slip on my camo crocs and keep wearing this ole Cheeto dusted hoody.”
-VS-
DOS
“I really need to up my game. Who do I know well enough to help me with my wardrobe? I’m going to go through my closet this week and get rid of the stuff I know won’t cut it. I’m looking forward to respecting myself more with developing a sense of style. I bet anyone can learn this stuff and I’m going to commit to paying closer attention to what I wear.”
Comparison is a tricky subject but universally saying that it steals your joy is a copout.
Pro Tip: Find the right people and compare like crazy. It will make you better.
Look For It
It’s amazing how you can find what you are looking for. If you’re lusting after a new truck suddenly the model in your mind's eye starts showing up all over the place.
If I tell you to find all the round shapes in the room you are sitting in you will likely label anything remotely round…as round.
The same thing happens on an emotional level.
If you are naturally a negative leaning person you will easily see things around you that are “wrong” or “not right.”
If you are easily offended you might be overly attached to some belief.
If you get angry when something bad happens it might be a confirmation bias response to what you were looking for.
If you are running late and you think all the people on the road are slow and in the wrong lane I bet you will find what you are looking for.
I’m not a big manifestation guy but you can’t deny some of its validity.
Want to be happier? Less stressed? More at peace?
Notice what is pure, lovely, admirable, and excellent. It’s more pleasant than being a victim.
The Valley
The hardest part about a valley is that you often don’t see the path out. It winds left and right with ups and downs. The ups trick you into believing it might be over and the downs make it feel like it may never end.
The tough part is the work to emerge. You don’t know what you don’t know and you're having to make decisions with incomplete information. Sometimes all the work in the world won’t do it and sometimes a little effort changes the landscape quickly.
Will this valley be the last thing in your life? Is it a blip on the screen? You can guess using past experiences and look for a handle or two to hang on to…but deep down inside you know you don’t know.
Good news is, God does.
Parting Thought: Most valleys have rivers in them…it’s worth finding others to paddle with.
Trapped
The feeling of being trapped is more common than you might think. Some are trapped in a failing body, a tough job, a business that isn’t panning out or a relationship that isn’t working. Maybe it’s mediocre success and your soul is itching for more.
Your attitude towards the stuck circumstance is an important component to perseverance. If you use stuck or trapped language for example, it will likely make it worse. Assuming you want to be free, your outlook is about the most important thing. False hopes or aggressive actions aren’t as useful as finding meaning inside the predicament. Reframing the current position and looking for upside to leverage is a pretty useful way to come out on top.
All the people around you feel trapped in some way. You aren’t alone.
Hate Surprises?
At some point the data has to come out. Everyone is thinking one thing but the truth is, they are wrong. Their assumptions or expectations of what was going to happen didn’t.
It’s worth asking yourself, do I really hate surprises or do I hate lack of control? This type of “surprise” births all sorts of whining and complaining.
Surprises are simply a mismatch of what we expected and what actually happened. Change is often the lasting consequence of this reality.
“I don’t want any surprises” actually means I don’t want anything to change. I expect it to happen this way, so don’t disappoint me with anything different.
Pro Tip: Humility allows space for surprises. Pride doesn’t.